The Weight Issue

I have long been cocky when it comes to my own weight and said: "To hell with the scale! Not wanting to be razorthin is cool!" Little by little that has changed to another tune without me noticing it: "Being overweight is cool!" . No, it is not something that I openly admits to myself, however over the years my weight have become a way for me to control my life.

I have long been very determined that I should never be like THEM - the girls and women who starve themselves to thinness. From what I have heard the control of how little you eat or how extremly you exercises is all about power, not weightloss. For me, there have been another kind of power of control. I did not get the education I wanted (I botched my postgraduated degree), not the job I wanted (no degree = no job/low salary job), not the home I wanted (I live in an apartment far from my relatives where I want to live in a cottage in the woods), not the relationship I wanted (Although I love my fiance dearly, there is still things I NEED that he cant get me), not the relationship with my son as I want it (I had to work from home with my half-arsed diploma when he was 6 months old. Which I sitll regret 7 years later). Basivly I do not have the life I wanted! So, supplying my body, heart, mind and spirit with what it thinks it needs have been a way for me to control that at least I can get SOMETHING that I want for my self: I can get some cheese doodles and chokolate.....

The last months I have been in total denial when it comes to my weight. I have been very much like the women who exaggerates about their age. I have said that I weighed 105isg kg for months now without actually knowing if it was better or worse. On a whim some weeks ago I bought a cheap scale and got a shock! 112 kg! I have nerver EVER in my life weighed that much. Ever! And I realised that something dramaticly had to be done or I would totally loose my self. I even considered going on a diet with those nasty low-carb bags you mix up with water. Something I never ever thought I would even think about.... So I realised I had to take a different road.

I reduced all suger intake. First I OKed that occassionally I would fall of the wagon and eat some fast-suger chokolate when I desperately needed it, say at work for example. But I noticed immediately that I cant allow in that kind of indulgens if I want to loose weight. So no white sugar at all it is! I also decided to start moving and exercise asap! I do realise that what I really would need is a regime where I start running. But I am way out of fitness for that and my knees would not tolerate it either. So basicly I reasoned that "Any exercise is better than no exercise". So I have started to try to at least walk a little every single day. But as with the sugarintake - ANY fall of the wagon showed major set backs...

So fast forward to yesterday when after yet another grueling day at work came home and realised that I weighte 112,5 kg! OK, something had to be done. So I decided that I was to start a Raw Cleanse Diet: To eat only raw food for a number of days. I decided to start with 3 days since I wanted to make sure that I actually finnished what I started! Under the tag #weightissues I will continue to write about my endevours!

Wordless Wednesday: Weightless