Back from the.....

It has been a very long while since I have been blogging here and well.... it has had its natural explanations! :-) Approximately 2 weeks after my last post I realised that I was ~4 weeks pregnant ! <3

Our little macaron.("She" was bent over in an
U-shape first time we met her^^ hence the name!)

So instead of being the struggling mother of one I am now the mother of 1 + 1. Three  days ago we were at the hospital to do the routinge ultrasound that is offered to pregnant women around week 16 - 20. All went well, and the technician thought that me and my fiance will have a beutiful little baby girl around the 10th of March next year! It has taken some good time for me to get used to the idea of that I am going to be a mom again! Both physical and emotionally.
   Physically I was litterally hit like I was hit by a truck. First trimester I have been so tired. Not necessarily all the time. But it has been so obvious that we now have been two who have been sharing my energy-reserves. Come 6 or 7 pm I have been so tired every evening that I barely can stay awake. I have had to adjust my working arrangements just because of that. Besides of that I have been amazingly blessed. I have not had much of a morningsickness to speak of at all. It has been more of a minor nausea that just become a bit worse with empty stomach. Not as bad as Leonie have had it thats for sure! Lately I had some pelvic girdle pain that have become a bit worse each week, but it is endurable although I am a bit scared how it will develop once I start getting heavier.

The real challenge though have been to embrace the fact that I am actually gonna be a mother again! Up until the ultrasound I have to admit that I still had a nagging feeling that I was just imagining things. Despite all the symptoms and 2 positive pregnancy tests. The US made it so much real! And now I can finally start to grow into  the fact. Hopefully, I will be fully grown emotionally when its time :-)

The last week and a half have been troublesome though. At the end of September I was hit with a cold that I won over quite easily. However, as I usually do I was also hit with some complications in my throat (brochitis) which have meant that I have been home from work a whole extra week with the nastiest stuffed nose and slimey noce I have had in years. Apprently that is something that happens fairly easy when you are pregnant since your immune system is lower to not push the baby away. The stuffy nose and cough I can deal with, but the worst have been to never really feel truly energized since I have not been able to sleep well during the nights. But finally, this morning I woke up realising that the cough was not as bad as it used to be and my nose almost back to normal. I stopped to bless the Gods that had helped me get well, but realised that I should really give thanks to my body instead who have carried me through this!

Daily Reading 8 of June 2013

I have been slacking a bit when it comes to my daily routine of drawing cards for my own benefit so I decided to start that up again. Using this spread:

1. To think of...
2. To do...
3. To love....

TEMPERANCE (rx) - 10 of Pentacles - Queen of Pentacles (rx)
Housewives Tarot

1. This card reversed indicates to me, no pokes me to remember to personally make sure that I take everything in moderation. If nothing else today - that is my most important lesson to think of.
2. 10 of Pentacles  suggests that whatever I do I make sure I do it on the material plane, as well as making sure that I finishing stuff before I continue to the next project. Things I do today needs to be done to last.
3. And as a compliment to that, the last card reminds me that - no domestic work is not that fun. But I can make it fun, by putting my soul to it and love it all the same.

I am Doing It!

OK Ladies,
have you ever heard about Leonie Dawson? If not you really should! She is an amazing soul and she have inspired tousand after 1000 Goddess women to create the best life they can (drearm about)!

Me? She inspired me to make the plunge and walk over the edge and say: YES! I am freakin' doing it!!! It is a very small shift really. More in heart than in life. But to go from planning to do it - to actually do it. Its huuuge!

I do not have a plan yet. Not really. I just know that this time around I will follow my passion and not my mind. My mind is the nagging old lady who sits in the left side of my brain constantly pointing out to me that: "If you do this or try that you can charge that amount and then you only need so and so many clients to make it work."

She is the one that thinks on the money first and the passion much later. She is the one who have sat me down and forced me to ponder what I am pretty decent at and monetize it. Not what I feel called to do. To be honest with you I think she is still hooked in the mentality of the fact that work can not be fun - SHOULD NOT be fun.... Bah! Humbug!

The passionate side of myself on the other hand is not used to play the first fiddle so she has a very soft and gentle voice. She is the rightbrain, the feelings, the joy and laughter as well as tears. She is the one that can see that: "Wow! I have this gift. I have this idea. It is unique, totally goofy and odd and, and....

....totally wonderful! " I have had this idea for a long, long time. However, my left brain had trashed it and judged me and said: "Who do you think you are? Really? Pulling something like that of? Like if..."

But you know what? I do not care anymore! I am doing this! I am going to dust of my feathers and then I gonna jump of the cliff and fly!

What it is? Well, this post has gone on for far too long so that just has to wait... (Yeah, I know I am teese!). But be aware that it will for sure be something amazing! And I cant wait to share it with you! Just need some peaces of the puzzle to fall into place first. But soon, very soon.....

The Weight Issue

I have long been cocky when it comes to my own weight and said: "To hell with the scale! Not wanting to be razorthin is cool!" Little by little that has changed to another tune without me noticing it: "Being overweight is cool!" . No, it is not something that I openly admits to myself, however over the years my weight have become a way for me to control my life.

I have long been very determined that I should never be like THEM - the girls and women who starve themselves to thinness. From what I have heard the control of how little you eat or how extremly you exercises is all about power, not weightloss. For me, there have been another kind of power of control. I did not get the education I wanted (I botched my postgraduated degree), not the job I wanted (no degree = no job/low salary job), not the home I wanted (I live in an apartment far from my relatives where I want to live in a cottage in the woods), not the relationship I wanted (Although I love my fiance dearly, there is still things I NEED that he cant get me), not the relationship with my son as I want it (I had to work from home with my half-arsed diploma when he was 6 months old. Which I sitll regret 7 years later). Basivly I do not have the life I wanted! So, supplying my body, heart, mind and spirit with what it thinks it needs have been a way for me to control that at least I can get SOMETHING that I want for my self: I can get some cheese doodles and chokolate.....

The last months I have been in total denial when it comes to my weight. I have been very much like the women who exaggerates about their age. I have said that I weighed 105isg kg for months now without actually knowing if it was better or worse. On a whim some weeks ago I bought a cheap scale and got a shock! 112 kg! I have nerver EVER in my life weighed that much. Ever! And I realised that something dramaticly had to be done or I would totally loose my self. I even considered going on a diet with those nasty low-carb bags you mix up with water. Something I never ever thought I would even think about.... So I realised I had to take a different road.

I reduced all suger intake. First I OKed that occassionally I would fall of the wagon and eat some fast-suger chokolate when I desperately needed it, say at work for example. But I noticed immediately that I cant allow in that kind of indulgens if I want to loose weight. So no white sugar at all it is! I also decided to start moving and exercise asap! I do realise that what I really would need is a regime where I start running. But I am way out of fitness for that and my knees would not tolerate it either. So basicly I reasoned that "Any exercise is better than no exercise". So I have started to try to at least walk a little every single day. But as with the sugarintake - ANY fall of the wagon showed major set backs...

So fast forward to yesterday when after yet another grueling day at work came home and realised that I weighte 112,5 kg! OK, something had to be done. So I decided that I was to start a Raw Cleanse Diet: To eat only raw food for a number of days. I decided to start with 3 days since I wanted to make sure that I actually finnished what I started! Under the tag #weightissues I will continue to write about my endevours!

Wordless Wednesday: Weightless

Mayday for One

No, this is not a SOS call, but instead my own pondering in how to celebrate a pagan holiday alone, that so very much seeps duality. Beltaine/Mayday/Valborg - this sabbat has many names. But what they all have in common is that it celebrates Fertility.

Fertility can manifest in many different ways. The most known way I assume is the Sacred Marriage - also called the Great Rite or Hieros Gamos, the marriage between the God and the Goddess. In its essence and its name it radiates that it is more naturally celebrated with two or more. So now, when I want to celebrate the Mayday alone I have to rethink the concept completly and try to find something that works for me.

So what is the essence of this Holíday that celebrates Fertility? For me it is about Creating life. And that you can do and symbolize in many ways not just with sex. And sex is although something natural and beutiful, something that are set aside for adults.So how can I visualize Life and the creation of life in a childrens-freindly way?

I have this idea here of planting a seed in a pot of fertile soil and then let my DS follow its developments. Maybe some sunflowers. Maybe something else. Have not really worked out all the details just yet. No casting circle, no raising of energies. Just me, my child and the seed of life.

But I still want to do something magickal and manifesting on my own and I just cant put my finger on what exactly I want to do. Within Wicca we have 8 holidays, and independent of why we celebrate them they are crucial markings on the Wheel of the Year. So, at this marking I want to carve in my appreciation for Life. My first thoughts is to create a satchel of some sort that I can carry with me, but I dont have the ingredients available and l am on a shoestring budget right now. So I dug out an old charm that I actually had not used. Since I just recently cymbolicly cut the ties with my old coven by removing my covennecklace I have room for a new necklace!

So I have a plan! Amazing
! Now of to make it happen

Meatless Monday: Couscous salad

From Several places I have recieved the insentive to eat less meat. It is hard in a family where my fiance says he needs meat everyday but I will at least try. The entire idea of Meatless Monday is not mine of course. I have heard about it before but got really inspired from the blog of Confession of a Modern Witch who I stumbled on for all diferent kinds of reasons. I never saw Mac n' Cheese as something vegetarian - but hey its no meat so it goes! But it was not until just the other week that I found the idea and courage to try  making my on salad (which is not just lettuce, cucumber and tomatoes....) where I stumbled upon a wonderful e-book from Elaine Nichols, the Creatrix of The Radical Rolling Pin.

The book is called "Slow Down and Eat Salad!" and is basicly is a recipe-book in how you make your own salad from basic ingredienses. Now, it might sound silly that me, a grown woman needed a recipee book into making salad right? But I did and this was it. It have helped me find the building blocks and courage to mix myself!

Anyhow, here is the recipe of my first experiment that turned out very successfull:

Warm Cous-cous salad with tofu

The salad
3 dl couscous
some small green leeks
carrots
a bunch of raddish
a red pepper
a small piece of organic tofu (marinated with some nice spices)

The dress-up
2 parts olive oil
1 part white wine vinegar
salt
2 pinches of basil
pepper
1 pinch oregano

1. Boil the couscous
2. Chop the vegetables in the meantime.
3. Dice the tofu and fry it in a fryingpan with some oil
4. Mix in a big bowl
5. Mix the ingrediense for the dress-up and pour onto the sallad
6. ENJOY!

It does not need to be harder than that!